If variety is the spice of life, then what is the spice of Farmington? No, not Mechanic Street. It's the Farmington Variety Show, of course, which is destined to cast its pearls before the theater-going public on Saturday, May 14. Already things are beginning to get organized in a way that promises to outdo last year's initial production, with a commitment to a fast-moving, two-hour show, and the director being none other than the man responsible for "Charlie Brown" Mr. Bob Tait.

Some acts for the Variety Show have been arranged, more are being negotiated, and others are being sought at a special audition night, of which you will get details after a quick glimpse at the prospective line-up so far: It is hoped to bring you the multi-talented Tyrone Vance, who, in a three-minute slot, will run, box, sing, shoot hoop, and spin 18 plates on 18 sticks, whilst simultaneously chewing a wad of gum...

Farmington High School drama group will perform a number of skits and presentations on a Bicentennial of the Constitution theme.

We are at present arranging with Mr. John Oakley to appear live on stage and gain an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records by attempting to stop 149 clocks in 60 seconds...

Farmington's nationally known entertainer, James Ladini, will return from a tour of Georgia, and saw a gagged and bound, terror-stricken assistant into several pieces. Ushers will stand by with smelling salts for this one...

The gifted Mary Barron, of Farmington Town Players, may give an impersonation of a citizen talking to John Fitch by conference telephone, whilst being eaten by a dog...

Another special guest star, B.J. Locke, the world's youngest escape artist, will perform a brand new routine, that he is at present bringing to perfection...

To add a wee dash of culture to an exciting mixture, it is hoped that Ballerina of the Month, Mr. Clapper Vachon, can be coaxed to dance the Waltz of the Flowers from Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite...

All very fine stuff, you say and how right you would be. Nonetheless, the organizers do not intend to stop there - many more acts are needed, and so an audition night is being held at the Town Hall on Thursday, 21st April at 6:30 p.m. All local singers, musicians, dancers, reciters, comedians, and sundry entertainers are urged to drop by.

Last year's show, unfortunately, went unreported in this space due to this column being in the middle of a bitter and protracted strike against cruel management (Golden days, golden days! - Abu Woodchopper, Esq.) But, the Farmington public was royally treated to a musical feast by big names like Lefty Lee, Willis Berry, Gunner Stohberg, and very big names indeed like Jeannie Blinkinsop-Blinkinsop. It is hoped that at least a few of these gems will twinkle yet again, alongside new discoveries like Bill Pattison, the singing principal, and Ronnie Krawczyk, the musical mailman.

For more details of the Variety Show and Audition Night, please call 755-2405. Meanwhile, you are reminded that the Clementines will be putting on their annual night of choral singing, along with the C Notes, the B Naturals, and other guests, on Saturday, 30th April, at Farmington High School - see those ubiquitous bright yellow posters.

A couple of weeks back, Deputy Fire Chief Plante's daughter called her grandmother on the telephone. "Quick, grandma," she said, "turn on Channel 9. Dad's being interviewed about the fires on Main Street." Mrs. Plante the Elder left the cheese sandwich that she was toasting in the kitchen, and scurried to turn on the television and watch her son discuss the blazes of the previous night. Slowly her snack began to carbonize under the grill, the house began to fill with smoke, and as the fire alarm went off...

Henry Wilson Grange #205 is holding a Home Ec. night at the hall on Mechanic Street on Wednesday, April 13. Other local Grangers will be in attendance. Included on the program is a demonstration by Milli Gay on the primitive style of rug making, and there will be a chocolate brownie baking contest.

Main Street School's Mr. Butch Lewis was wearing such a loud sports jacket the other day that somebody pleaded with him to wear a muffler over it.

A reptile expert, Terry Odegaard, held Main Street School pupils in the palm of his hand with a fascinating display of fauna, in the Town Hall last week. He brought along a boa constricter, an Indian terrapin, a Mexican iguana, two corn snakes, a gila monster, salamanders and, some say, a puff adder that escaped and slithered under the bleachers. We ain't worried. Roger Belanger is bound to encounter it during one of his regular searches for abandoned pennies.

Up at the elementary school, the principals, the P.T.A. and the teachers’ aides, in less than an hour, managed to inflate 600 balloons, thus confirming the rumor that they are full of wind. The kids then released the balloons to mark the 10th anniversary of Reading Is Fundamental (R.I.F.). A well-known local garbologist, according to some reports, was subsequently spotted leaving Farmington in a north nor' east direction in pursuit of "600 pieces of drifting rubber."

On April 20, elementary students will give their spring concert under the direction of music teacher Sue Rogers. Time: 7 p.m. Place: high school gym.

Egg Hunt News

The recent egg hunts in Fernald Park, which were greatly aided and abetted by Barrett's 5 & 10, the Loperettes, Heidi Pence and Madge Barron, have been officially pronounced a Success and will become an annual event. The winner of the 6/7 year-old hunt was young Chris Jackson, while the 3-5 year-old event was won by a man in a red hat, notable for his eggsuberance.

Goodwin Library News

How can you become a millionaire for only 10 cents? Hmm? Read on! The answer is to gallop along to the Goodwin Library and, for a mere dime, grab out of the Reduced Books basket a golden tome entitled "100 Surefire Businesses You Can Start For Little Or No Investment." Read how, with absolutely no training, you can become an Antique Dealer, a Community Center Director, or, best of all, a Donut Magnate.

The Plague Of Farmington

Someone, somewhere had the extremely bright idea of getting their freshmen Civics Class out of their hair for a day by sending 'em down to the Town Hall under the pretext of the students discovering how local government works or doesn't. Tuesday, 12th April is that day and, among others, my heart goes out to Clark Hackett (two students), Brownie (four students), Sewer Dept. (two students) and Biff the Mailman (six students). Perhaps all 14 could help Roger find the puff adder. One will try to glean more details of this Bright Idea in action, next week.

Also coming up - the results of the Dick Gephardt anagram competition ...