Myles na Gopaleen: Never forget that tenure by sochemaunce seisined by feodo copyholds in gross and reseisined through covenants of foerrseignory in frankalpuissance …

The Plain People of Ireland: This sounds like dirty water being squirted out of a hole in a burst rubber ball.                                      (Flann O'Brien - Irish Times)

The School of Gobbledy Gook

(A three-part series inspired by a lot of old nonsense from

Farmington Elementary School)

And verily, on Sept. 5, it came to pass that the Assertive Discipline Plan descended from on high and entered the cottages of the Poor People of Farmington and they were greatly perplexed and afraid and turned to one another and said "What makest thou of the Assertive Discipline Consequences Procedure format which remains constant until each quarter endeth?"

And lo, the principal Gopaleen na Lander moved among them and gave forth on the simplicity and logic of School Wide Rules and Consequences as laid out in a flow chart complete with sectional boxes and arrows.

"Taketh, as example, Administrative Consequence 9-B, that of general profanity in conversation. R-2 Step 2 -> Step 3 ->..."

And the Poor People of Farmington were again afraid and shot inside their houses and barred their doors. Save one small boy who asketh the Elementary Principal, "What is a side step (slide down) consequence as enuciated in Administrative Discretion 2-B?"

And Gopaleen na Lander patteth the child's head and respondeth, "Devises charged with consolidated quodwrits of quitbar or seigny-poke subsist thereafter in fee of grossplaysaunce, notwithstanding all copyholds of mesnemanor, socagemoign, interfee, mortlease, grand bastardy in copygross, subescheats of scutage, quousque, refeoffed disseisor of sub-seisin in seignyfrankalpuis and vivmain of copycharged serjaunty..."

And it comes to pass that this racket is interupteth, as a cottage door suddenly flyeth open, a woman streaketh into the street, scoopeth up the small child under her arm, dasheth back up her driveway, and slammeth her portal behind her.

And it further came to pass that as Gopaleen, undaunted, and with the aid of a bullhorn, launcheth into "2-C - Detention II/cooperative effort to individualize a disciplinary plan..." his eye spyeth a nearby cylinder of nitroglycerin absorbed in a porous material which also may have contained one or more of the following: ammonium nitrate, cellulose nitrate, coconut oil, frankalpuissance and a side step (slide down) consequence. Three inches of fizzling fuse extendeth from one end of the cylinder.

"Dynamite!" shrieketh Gopaleen na Lander, unequivocally.

In order that you have a better understanding of the Assertive Discipline Plan, a parent orientation will take place at the school's annual open house scheduled for Thursday, Sept. 20, 1990. At that time an overview of the plan will be given, and questions will be answered, intimates Memorial Drive School Principal William Lander. Put out 800 chairs, please, Willis.

Following the recent mayhem on River Road that masquerades in the lower class section of this newspaper as a Wiffle Ball Tournament, I am making application to change the name of this thoroughfare to Flatbush Avenue. In what must rank as the Most Futile Act of 1990, a Mr. Barry Stevens of Rochester (down 16 to zip) hurtled himself into a horizontal trajectory with a side step (slide down) consequence relating to an intervening hydrangea bush, that is. And for the record, Stevens manually imprisoned the plastic orb prior to the gravitational completion of its parabola amid huge gusts of general profanity as alluded to in Administrative Consequence 9-B.

Go directly to your home room teacher, Stevens. Do not pass the bubbler or collect $200 in side bets.